Episode XXXIII

You All Everybody
You All Everybody!

“What is that?”

“Drive—”

“No, never mind, just shut it off. I can’t think with that racket. Give that to me.”

“But sir, I just stole this iPod from a Maco.”

“Phone.” The word was spoken in a flat tone that was nonetheless perfectly clear in its intent. The evil professor was tired of shocking his gang henchmen into obedience but he knew of no other way to train them to be useful subordinates. Until he, as Darth Onion, had come to the gangs and brought them together they had been nothing but a bunch of squabbling children, albeit children armed with deadly weapons and the knowledge to use them.

Diablo crumpled to the floor, a brief corona of blue sparks visible around his head. Pettigrew laughed as he remembered that the last time he had shocked Diablo, only the day before, the young gangster had been strangely proud when he thought that the sparks had been orange, reckoning his gang color a good sign.

Without a backward glance the professor walked out of his headquarters, an abandoned warehouse only a block from Union Station. He couldn’t go back to campus yet. Finals would be starting soon, but he had told Dennis he would be gone for several days and had left him in charge of putting together two of his tests. Initially Doctor Pettigrew hadn’t intended for Dennis to do anything more than grade a few papers and enter grades—but the assistant had proved to be far more useful. In fact, now that he knew Dennis to be a budding hero, Pettigrew intended to give him even more work than before so that he would be too busy to fight crime and interfere with Darth Onion’s nefarious plots.

Of course actually implementing any nefarious plots of any significance would require more and better manpower than what was currently available to the villain. All of the West-Side gangs were under his control, but several of the more powerful gangs remained free of his influence. Chief amongst these independent gangs were the Macos, supposedly led by one Crazy-Dae Dan. Having only heard about Crazy-Dae from his enemies Pettigrew knew nothing more than that he was Korean and ran the Macos out of the slums near the old mill.

“Crazy Day” he muttered under his breath, “what kind of idiot uses a stupid name like that?” It didn’t matter he swiftly decided, no matter the name he, Darth Onion, would find this upstart gang leader and phone him. The professor froze as the trash can next to him exploded in a spray of rotten fruit and dirty diapers.

With a grimace Pettigrew tried to wipe off his clothes and failed dismally, only managing to smear the garbage. For a fraction of a second he toyed with the idea of burning the garbage off with his special ability, but he really had no idea what would happen if he targeted himself.

Pettigrew started to turn around and head back to his warehouse when he realized that he couldn’t let his gang members see him like this. They would have no respect for a leader who looked so ridiculous, no matter how much he punished them—especially since he didn’t have any so dumb that he could afford to kill them as examples.

Theorizing that the easiest place to clean himself would be the Serpent River he altered his course towards Twenty-Fifth Street and the nearest bridge. The river wasn’t completely clean, but he figured that phoning it—he tried to dodge this spray of garbage and partially succeeded—would clean it enough.

Fifteen minutes later after several more garbage can explosions Pettigrew was convinced that he would never get his mind off of his power or find a way out of rubbish filled alleys. Fortunately his next turn brought the villain to Twenty-First Street. Unfortunately for the evil professor, however, this street was not as empty as the alleys had been. When the last legal business left Twenty-Fifth years earlier the Macos had moved in and taken full possession. Right at this moment an arc of six gang members stood at the end of the alley, clearly waiting for Darth Onion to emerge. Not willing to pass up the opportunity to confront independent gang members the villain pulled up his hood, placed his voice-distorting mask on his face and strode forward, doing his best to forget about the garbage that covered him.

* * *

With a sigh of relief a weary Pettigrew dived into a clean patch of water and washed himself clean of blood and refuse over the course of several refreshing minutes. The fight, if it could be called such, hadn’t lasted long, and thankfully, Pettigrew reflected, he’d only had to kill a couple before the rest fell into line. He’d sent them marching back to his headquarters, which reminded him that he needed to call Diablo and let him know about the new recruits.

Shaking himself like a dog the professor pulled himself out of the water and sat down on a rock next to his shoes and other pocket items. He picked up his cell phone and started dialing from memory, not wanting to bother to access his contact list. Unfortunately once it stopped ringing he realized that he’d made a mistake.

“Hello sir, what can I do for you?”

“Nothing in particular Dennis, I just wanted to check on our progress. Will you make sure to include a question about the Supreme Court confirmation process when assembling the multiple choice portion of the American Government exam.”

“I will be sure to include that Dr. Pettigrew.”

“Very good. That will be all.”

Abruptly the professor hung up, not wanting to deal with college life at the moment. Taking the time to use his phone’s contact list he correctly called Diablo and told him about the former Macos. That business taken care of the evil professor pulled his shoes on and started walking towards his headquarters, replacing his mask as he walked, taking care to lock the clips so that nobody else could remove it.

Minutes later the loud sounds of rap music began to assault his senses, but he just tried to ignore it. He quickly realized his mistake when he was jumped by four particularly large Macos. Wearily he raised his hand and said “phone.” To the villain’s complete surprise his power refused to manifest. Frantically he uttered the magic word several more times, but still nothing happened. Caught off guard as he was without his power Darth Onion was easily subdued by the Macos. Afterwards the only thing he could remember was a huge Korean man punching him and warning him to stay away from his turf.

A little old lady found him in a deserted alley where Crazy-Dae had dumped his body only a minute after he woke and managed to remove his battered but intact mask. Amazingly she recognized Pettigrew, having been his first grade teacher many years before. The old spinster, Amelia Winston, helped him back to her house and called an ambulance. She didn’t leave until she was sure that the emergency personnel would rush the professor to St. Luke’s Hospital.

* * *

Once he was released Pettigrew called for a press conference at Amelia Winston’s house. He thanked her for her help after his attack, the details of which he kept fuzzy so as to mask his identity and announced his candidacy for mayor. He promised an administration that would turn Mammoth City around by dealing directly with its most insidious problem—gang violence.